


If I Could Find The Way Up

by Annide



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Depression, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lena Luthor Doesn't Know Kara Danvers is Supergirl, Lena Luthor-centric, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-18 13:36:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20640041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annide/pseuds/Annide
Summary: Lena Luthor is depressed and she doesn't understand what she calls an obsession for Kara Danvers. Kara who keeps cutting their time together short, maybe on purpose. Lena is struggling to deal with all that pain she feels inside and trying to figure out what she feels around Kara might mean.





	1. Chapter 1

"Lena, wake up, it's breakfast time."

Lena slowly came out of slumber, keeping her eyes closed. Her body was shaking. She brought her hand to her cheek. Dry. She then noticed the pressure on her shoulder. She wasn't shaken by sobs, but by someone trying to wake her up. She opened her eyes. Where was she? An apartment, but not hers. Whose then?

"What are you waiting for, Lena? Do you want me to carry you to the kitchen?"

Must've been that woman's apartment. Yes. Lena remembered now. This tall blonde had invited her over for a game night with friends and she'd ended up spending the night. Friends. The idea wouldn't stick in her mind. She couldn't have friends. How could anyone like her this way? To the point of inviting her into their home. After all these years of being treated poorly, ignored and insulted, as if she were a villain, she had trouble believing anyone could care about her.

"Come on, Lena love, a little effort."

Her friend, Kara, grabbed her arm to force her out of bed and into the kitchen. Lena wasn't hungry. She barely ever ate in the morning. Many people, including Kara, had told her it wasn't good for her to skip the most important meal of the day, but it didn't change the fact she didn't feel like eating in the morning. She never actually had much of an appetite and mostly made effort around other people. Today, she ate the bowl of cereal that was handed to her without saying a word.

"Lena, are you okay?"

As always, Lena simply nodded. She didn't like lying to Kara, so she couldn't tell her out loud that she was alright when she wasn't. But she also didn't want to burden her with the pain she felt inside. She couldn't quite put a finger on what it was exactly she felt towards her friend, all she knew was that she needed her, and she could never spend enough time with her, or be close enough to her. And no matter what, Kara didn't deserve someone like Lena in her life, someone who only carried suffering, a monster. Lena didn't really think she was a monster, but the way people usually looked at her or treated her gave the impression it was what they thought she was. Some kind of monster, or at the very least someone who didn't belong around ordinary people, happy people.

Kara talked excitedly about various subjects as Lena listened. It was usually this way. Lena often didn't feel much like talking. Like there was a ball in her throat preventing her from being herself freely. And she knew she'd spend hours regretting how closed off she was. But that was later, and right now she didn't see how making the effort to open up and participate would do any good. No matter what she did or didn't do, she'd end up alone in her office thinking over every moment spent in this apartment, wishing it had gone differently, wishing she'd been more honest with Kara, wishing maybe Kara had paid her more attention, noticed she seemed down or just sat closer to her.

The weight of the cup of coffee she was holding was enough to bring pain back to her arm and she put it down. Under her long sleeves, numerous red cuts were proof of the torture Lena inflicted on herself. If she couldn't explain the pain inside, if she couldn't make it go away, she could externalise it, she could make it real and tangible by creating cuts and bruises to make herself look outside the way she felt inside.

If Kara knew how bad Lena really felt, would it change anything? Would it bring them closer and help Lena get better? Or would it only bring Kara down with her? Lena thought it was better for her to pretend everything was good and she was a happy successful woman. And in any case, if Kara really cared, wouldn't she realize it was all just a façade anyway? Lena couldn't perfectly fake happiness, she only kept a few vague souvenirs of it.

"Are you finished?" Kara gestured towards the almost empty dishes.

Lena gulped down what was left of her coffee and nodded. She helped Kara with cleaning up and they both changed into actual clothes. They settled into the couch, silently taking in the morning, neither wanting to end this moment and go back to the ordinary day waiting for them. Lena recalled the events of last night.

_Game night was a regular activity Kara hosted at her place. It was the first time Lena ever went, but only one of many for most of the others. Conversation went in every direction among guests, with Lena trying to follow. As always, she felt a little like an outsider. She was never completely comfortable in large groups of friends like this. She didn't feel like she belonged there. She barely said a thing all night. She mostly stole glances towards Kara when she wasn't looking, hoping Kara might notice her, notice a hint of sadness in her face. All the while, Lena tried to understand why she craved Kara's attention so much, why she needed Kara to care about her more than she did anyone else. Maybe she would understand her feelings one day, maybe she simply wasn't there yet._

It was a call that did it. Lena had wished to stay here with Kara longer, she wanted as much time as possible. She liked being alone with Kara, and it didn't happen nearly enough. Unfortunately, Kara was highly popular, always called away to something more important than hanging out with Lena. Between her sister, her friends and her work as a reporter for Catco, Kara regularly had to cut short her time with Lena. And who would blame her? Lena didn't matter, of course literally anything else would take priority over her. This morning it was Nia Nal, a friend and colleague from Catco, who called Kara for help on an article. On a Saturday morning. And Kara had to go.

Driving home, Lena felt like she had a lump in her throat. She should've made more efforts, she should've talked to Kara more. But to say what? She couldn't dump how miserable she was on her like that. She also couldn't explain to Kara what it is she felt for her, why she needed her so much or why she wanted to be closer to her, because she herself didn't understand what she could only call an obsession for Kara.

Lena was constantly hurt by the distance Kara kept between them. They never spent too much time together, if they were alone Kara always ended up having to leave. She said they were really good friends, but she seemed to be closer with literally everybody else around her. Lena didn't know what it was, but something was creating like a wall between them, keeping them apart somehow. And Lena thought Kara was doing it on purpose. Lena had never been able to connect well with others, and she was convinced it was because she gave off an evil vibe somehow, despite herself, despite how nice she tried to be.

After the game night sleepover, Lena did the same thing she always did after a disappointing social event, she isolated herself. Feeling down, unhappy she wasn't able to make herself a more important part of the group, she avoided Kara's calls and focused on her work instead. She knew it wasn't a healthy way to cope, but she couldn't risk another failure to connect.


	2. Chapter 2

Lena was having a quiet lunch alone at her favourite restaurant, when she saw Kara walk in. At first, she tried to avoid her gaze. They hadn't talked in a while and Lena didn't really feel like explaining why right now, especially in person. But, of course, Kara saw her eventually and waved. Lena waved back and was pleasantly surprised to see her come over and sit across from her.

"Lena, where have you been? I haven't heard from you in almost a month."

"Kara, so nice to see you. How did you find me?"

"This is our place."

Lena smiled. She liked hearing Kara call something theirs. It felt nice to know Kara associated the place with them too, maybe she did care about her.

"So, how come you haven't been by Catco lately?"

"Lots of work at L Corp."

"Is that also why you haven't been taking my calls? Or got back to me on any of my texts asking to get together?"

"I..." Lena hesitated, though she knew what to say. She always had a lie ready. But for some reason, she couldn't get herself to ever lie to Kara. She wanted to spare her the truth, but something stronger inside made it impossible for her to straight up lie to Kara's face. She had to be honest. "I just haven't been feeling my best."

"Oh no, how come?"

"I don't know really. I guess I get a lot of pressure and judgement from people, because I have this business and I'm a Luthor."

"You put way too much pressure on yourself too. You're not like your family. You're not evil, and they can't make you be like them. Just do your own thing and stop worrying so much about what people think. They'll figure it out eventually."

"It's not that easy, Kara."

"I know it's not, but it's hard to watch you worry about that all the time."

"Sometimes I wish I could fly away, like Supergirl. Just fly way up and disappear for a while."

Kara let out a nervous laugh. "Supergirl has a lot of responsibilities too, I'm sure she feels pressure too. And she doesn't just fly away and disappears, she goes somewhere, lives another life. She probably never stops thinking about any of it."

"Yeah, but it must be so much easier when everyone loves you. She's got a few enemies, sure, but generally people love her. And how could they not, she's a hero, she's beautiful, she's nice. We've had disagreements, but even I still admire her." For an unknown reason, Kara's face had taken an adorable shade of pinkish red, maybe she had a crush on Supergirl. Lena took a deep breath, then continued in a low voice. "I don't have anything close to that. No one loves me. Not sure if anyone even cares about me."

"I care, Lena, you're my best friend."

As if on cue, Kara's phone buzzed. She checked it and immediately got up.

"I'm so sorry, Lena, I have to go. It was really nice to see you though."

Kara smiled and left. She hadn't mentioned getting together another time, hadn't bothered with an excuse. It didn't sound like caring to Lena. It happened all the time. They were having a good time, Lena thought they were bonding, and then Kara left, out of nowhere, like she suddenly thought of something better to do than hang out with a Luthor. Kara used to make an effort and have good excuses, but it seemed the more they got to know each other, not that they did know each other that well, the more evasive Kara got. She had half-assed excuses, or none at all, and she looked nervous and uncomfortable telling them.

Lena wouldn't admit it out loud, but Kara hurt her. Over and over again. The constant assurances that they were so close, best friends even, were contradicted by all the lies and the fact Kara obviously spent a lot of time with everyone else, but couldn't free herself for Lena. It hurt so much. However, Lena couldn't stop wanting to be close to Kara, wanting to be her friend. She wanted more from her. How much more would be enough to satisfy her, she couldn't say. All she knew was that she felt like she was starving from a lack of quality time with Kara.

To take her mind off of things, and make the days between lunches with Kara more bearable, Lena buried herself in her work. She spent several nights at the office, unable to sleep, making progress on her current project. Some part of her knew Lex would be interested in what was becoming of what used to be his company and would be following every sort of news he could get of what she was doing, but that part of her was way at the back of her brain.

When she converted a device Lex had created to help Supergirl, she knew it would make him angry. And when she built a suit to protect Supergirl from the atmosphere now ridden with kryptonite, she did think it would catch his attention. She was hoping he would see it as a failure on his part. After all these years of treating her badly, he didn't manage to make her bad. She was good. Despite everything, she had grown into a good person. She wished he didn't have power over her anymore, but he still did, probably always would. The simple idea of him having a pull outside of prison made her anxious. Which is why she started trembling when she received his letter.

_Dear Lena,_

_ I was worried about you becoming so close to Supergirl with no sign of a plan to use that against her. However, I feel pride at the news that you two had a falling out. Finally, you are starting to understand why I despise her and her cousin so much. Maybe you'll reconsider teaming up and will join my cause against the Supers. Nothing would please me more than to work with you on a common goal to bring them down. Let me know what you think._

_ Lex_

_ P.S. I heard you're still close friends with Kara Danvers. You know she's Supergirl, right?_

Lena was taken completely off guard. She had no idea Lex had been keeping such close tabs on her. And the nerve. How could he think even for a second that she would help him, that she would do anything to cause Supergirl harm? Even if they'd had a fight, a disagreement really, she wouldn't ever think about it. And that thing about Kara being Supergirl, it had to be a lie. He had to be messing with her, trying to get in between Lena and her best friend. Just one more attempt to manipulate her, right?

Lena tried to forget Lex's message, she tried so hard to pretend it never existed, but she couldn't. That thing about Kara being Supergirl kept bothering her. She suddenly remembered small details about her best friend that had seemed weird at the time, but that she eventually started thinking of as Kara's quirks. Something that made her even more endearing, that's all. But now, she couldn't stop wondering whether they meant something. And what about how fast Supergirl got to her whenever Lena told Kara she needed the Kryptonian. Every time Lena told Kara something in confidence and Supergirl seemed to know about it later, maybe it wasn't a betrayal of her trust, maybe it was just a mix-up in secret identities.

The following weeks, Lena paid special attention to Kara. How she was like, what she said, when they saw each other and when Kara left her in a hurry. She made very interesting observations. First, not only had she never seen Kara and Supergirl together, but she also could never account for both of their whereabouts at the same time. No traffic cams, no sighting reports, nothing. Second, Supergirl committed some kind of heroics right after every single rushed exit from Kara. Every. Single. One. Third, Lena smelled smoke and other things on Kara on several occasions. With a little research, she figured out it matched what Supergirl had done before they met. There was only one conclusion she could reach after these observations: it was true.

Kara Danvers was Supergirl and Lena's best friend, maybe even only friend, had been lying to her the whole time.


	3. Chapter 3

When Lena missed a second lunch in a row without calling, Kara got worried and decided to pay her a visit at L Corp to make sure she was alright. There was no assistant sitting by the door, which was more than a little unusual. She knocked softly on the door and called for Lena. No answer, but she heard some noise inside. She decided to go in, slowly, in case her friend didn't want to be disturbed.

Empty take out containers and alcohol bottles littered the floor. A blanket and pillow on the couch looked as though someone had been sleeping there. Papers had been ripped and thrown all over, maybe in frustration. Lena herself was sitting on the floor, her hair messy, her usual stylish clothes replaced with a t-shirt and sweats. It was clear she hadn't left this office in days.

Lena was always so perfect and composed, seeing her like that was heartbreaking. What could possibly have lead to this?

* * *

Lena's best friend didn't trust her enough to share an important detail about her. Kara had been born on an entirely different planet, which didn't exist anymore. It was a major part of what made her who she was, the same way losing her mom and growing up with the Luthors forged Lena. Kara saved the city, the world, on a regular basis. She had rescued Lena on multiple occasions. And yet she didn't mention it even once. She kept it secret and lied to Lena constantly to do so. Why did Kara feel she couldn't confide in the woman she called her best friend? Maybe Lena did give off an evil vibe, maybe it wasn't just in her head.

At first, she wanted to confront Kara right away, but she felt so hurt and angry she couldn't have talked in a coherent way. There was no way she would manage to say anything to Kara without breaking into tears. In a fit of rage, she destroyed everything around her, made a mess of her office. But she liked seeing it look the way she felt, it was comforting in a way.

Then, she thought she'd fulfill her Luthor destiny, become what everyone thought she would. She could attack Supergirl in some way, hurt Kara the way she'd hurt Lena. Be the villain Kara was waiting for her to turn into. Maybe that's why Kara had gotten close to her, maybe she had become her friend only to keep her close to her, in case Lena eventually did take an evil turn. But she didn't have it in her. As much as she wanted to believe she could do it, as angry as she was, she could never be cruel.

Lena sent her assistant away and spent days locked in her office, spiraling, with no idea what to do. Her arms were redder than ever. She had so many feelings and didn't know how else to deal with them. How else to let them out. She felt so alone. She had no one to talk to about this. Kara was her only friend. She wanted so bad for all of this to stop, for the pain and confusion and loneliness to just stop. And she didn't feel like she could simply go over to Kara's, knock at her door and tell her what was going on. Despite how much she loved to imagine herself crying into Kara's arms.

She got a spare set of clothes, more comfortable than her suit, in her locker at the gym downstairs. She had food and alcohol delivered. She could only sleep for a few hours at a time, falling from exhaustion caused by all the emotions flowing through her. It felt like the end, but the sun kept setting and rising. Some part of her wanted to die, but another wanted to see what would happen. And she knew she was never going to end it herself, even if she had to keep being miserable.

She didn't have anyone she could trust. She didn't have anyone who loved her. She didn't love anyone. Years of emotional abuse from Lex had left her fragile and unable to connect with others. Growing up with the Luthors had made her distrustful of others, distrustful of herself. She hated how Lex had managed to get to her, to get in between Kara and her. When your family is toxic, friends become everything. Lena lived on the bottom and had no idea how to get up.

A knock at the door pulled her out of her thoughts. Who could that possibly be? She had made it clear to her employees not to disturb her.

"Lena?"

Kara's voice. Lena pulled her sleeves back over her arms and looked around. There was no way she could fix the mess before Kara entered, she wasn't the one with super speed. When Lena saw Kara's face as she entered the room and took in the extent of the state it was in, something Lena herself hadn't really done, it was clear the façade was gone. Lena's façade of the rich businesswoman who has everything, who may worry about other's perception of her but never falters, the woman who gets through no matter what and is always fine, always so composed and elegant. It was gone now.

Kara may not be able to see just how low Lena had fallen, or how long she had been slowly slipping farther and farther down, never able to get back up, but she knew Lena wasn't fine now. The wall behind which Lena hid her misery had broken down and she felt so exposed. She didn't know what to say, what to do. She felt uncomfortable to be seen like this and, at the same time, she was relieved. Relieved she didn't have to hide her pain from Kara anymore, didn't have to keep pretending to be fine and happy. She could just be.

"Lena, are you alright?"

Kara walked closer and reached over to put her hand on Lena's shoulder in some gesture meaning to be comforting. Lena backed away.

"Don't."

Lena's voice was rough from lack of use over the past few days. It was also shaky, like she could barely talk without bursting into tears. Her sadness was evident, right there on the surface, but she could feel her anger rising slowly, from the depth where she'd pushed it down.

"Lena, what's wrong? It's me, you can tell me anything. We're best friends."

She couldn't believe Kara had just said that. She stood up. Anger is best-served standing and never from a lower position than the person it's directed at.

"Are we really?" Lena kept her calm. Her tone was more assertive than before, but still at a conversational volume.

"Of course," Kara sounded confused, "what's going on?"

"You said I can tell you anything, anything at all, right?"

"Yes, you can trust me."

"You know, I used to doubt that, because every once in a while Supergirl would let something slip. Something I told you in confidence. And I thought maybe I couldn't trust you, maybe you repeated everything. I was wrong."

"I..."

"I'm not done. I thought I couldn't trust you, but really the question I should've been asking myself is, can you trust me?"

"Lena, let me explain..." Kara tried. She seemed to have figured out what this was about.

"I thought you were my friend, my best friend, my only friend, Kara." Lena's voice sounded hurt and broken. She spoke progressively louder, but it felt like she was right on the edge of crying. "But you've been lying to me since we met. And I understand you not telling me right away, but you know me now, you know I would never do anything to hurt you. I've been helping you!"

"I'm sorry, Lena."

"Have you been keeping me close, waiting for me to turn evil like the rest of my family? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, is that right?"

Lena was mad, really mad. She had thought she had her life almost together. She had a career, a best friend who introduced her to her friends. She had thought that maybe if she could just get a little closer to Kara, and somehow befriend her friends, maybe she could be happy. But Kara had been hiding half of her life from Lena and the illusion completely fell apart. She was just as alone as she had been ever since her mother passed all these years. No one to rely on but herself. Always betrayed by anyone she put her trust into.

"Lena, no. I have been fighting for you and defending you against everyone who thought you'd become a villain. You know I always believed in you. I trust you, I'd leave my life in your hands. You have had my life in your hands. I've always felt safe around you."

"Then why did you lie to me for so long?"

Lena's eyes were watering, despite how hard she tried to refrain herself from crying.

"For one, I was afraid. I value our friendship so much and I was afraid you'd see me differently, or be angry I didn't tell you sooner. I knew you'd be devastated and I'd become one more person who betrayed you. And then you had issues with Supergirl and you needed me, I couldn't tell you I was also the person who'd made you mad."

Silence fell between them.

"I did it to protect you, Lena." Kara continued softly. "That's why I keep my identity secret. To protect the people I love from my enemies. What if someone used that against you? What if someone used you to get to me? I couldn't stand that. Lying to you has been the hardest thing I've ever done, and I've felt guilty about it every day. But I had no other choice. Please, believe me."

Kara tried to put her hands on Lena's shoulder again. She was hesitant this time, but Lena let her do it. Kara's touch felt good and Lena was drained. She let herself fall into Kara's arms, buried her face in those strong shoulders and finally let it all out, all the tears full of every emotion she'd felt in the past few days.

"The fact you're Supergirl isn't what made me mad, Kara." Lena said when she regained her composure. "It's the fact you lied to me, the fact you didn't tell me and I learned about it in a message Lex sent me. That really hurt."

Lena sat down on her couch and Kara followed her there.

"I'm so sorry, Lena. You know I never meant to hurt you, right? I care about you so much."

"I have trouble believing that sometimes, but I'm starting to think it might just be me."

Lena was also starting to realize something else. This Kara obsession she'd had since they met, her desire to always get closer to and spent more time with Kara, she thought she understood it now. She was falling in love with her. She was relieved to have finally figured it out, but it only made things more complicated. She was falling in love with her seemingly straight best friend, that could only bring her pain.

"You know, Lena, there's something else I should tell you. Because I don't want there to be secrets between us anymore. But first, you have to promise me that we won't let anything ruin our friendship, ok? This is too important to me."

"I promise." Lena said without hesitation, though she was scared to hear what that secret might be. And she thought how she had something of her own she'd been keeping to herself and should share with Kara.

"I..." Kara looked nervous, like she had trouble saying the words. "Lena, I've had a crush on you ever since Clark and I first came to your office."

Lena didn't know what to say. She had never thought Kara could ever reciprocate her feelings. She thought she'd have to painfully try to get over her for years to come. Now, she learned Kara felt the same and all she could think about was how she was not a good person for such a sweet soul to date. Lena was too broken and she didn't want to risk breaking Kara as well. Maybe if she could find a way up, they could be together and have a nice happy life.

"Kara, I'm not well. I can barely take care of myself. Any little thing sets me off. I keep thinking I might be a monster and everyone around can somehow feel that. I'm..." Words got stuck in Lena's throat. She couldn't say it. She wanted to admit to Kara that she wasn't even sure she wanted to live, but she couldn't get herself to say the words. No matter how much she wanted to, they wouldn't get past her lips. "I need help, Kara. And I don't want to drag you into my darkness."

"It's ok, Lena. I want to be there for you. I'll give you all the support you need. And when you're ready, we can go on a date. But only when you're ready."

"I'll work on getting better and then I'll ask you out."

"And you don't have to worry about it, I'll say yes. And I will wait however long you need."

Kara put her arms around Lena, pulled her closer and gave her a soft kiss on the forehead.

"I will never let anything happen to you, Lena."


End file.
